Family issues

Parents

You may get on really well with your parents (well, most of the time). Or maybe you can’t wait to move out and do your own thing.

But whatever your relationship is like, cancer is going to change it.

Shocking stuff

Look at it from a parent’s point of view. The tiny baby that they brought into the world – that’s you - has cancer. And that comes as a complete shock. After years of protecting you, they may ask themselves ‘what could I have done to prevent it?’

Acting a little strange?

Because they are worried, parents can become more protective than usual. ‘Are you feeling OK?’ ‘Are you sure you can manage that?’ ‘Maybe you should stay in and rest’. Let’s face it, it can be annoying.

Or maybe it’s the other way round. You don’t want to worry them, so you don’t talk about your illness. But it is best that they know how you feel, so you can get the help you need.

Treating you like a little kid

You may be at the age where you’re doing your own thing a lot of the time. You may even have left home. And then .... 'bang!' you get sick and your parents treat you like a kid again. If you'd rather they didn't, thank them for their love and concern, but remind them that you’re old enough to consider your own decisions. However, even though you may not want your mum and dad to make decisions for you, keep them in the loop and let them know what decisions you are thinking about making.

Let them help

Your parents want to help. They may feel powerless because they can’t cure you themselves. They want to be with you. They want to feel useful. So give them things to do! For example if you’re in hospital, tell them if you need phone cards or things to read. Or ask them to bring you in food treats.  

Once they've helped you as much as possible, you could even suggest they log on to http://www.clicsargent.org.uk/Getinvolved and find a way for themselves and their friends to fundraise for CLIC Sargent.

That will keep them busy.

Talk to them

Ultimately, it might be best to try not to shut your parents out. They'll want to know the truth. Don't worry about worrying them - the more they know, the easier it will be for them to help you through.

Brothers and sisters

Most people will expect their family to be loving and supportive. But in reality, sisters and brothers may react in unexpected ways. They may:

• behave strangely because they’re so worried about you
• become over-anxious about their own health
• feel lonely because you are at hospital a lot
• feel left out or jealous because you’re getting so much attention
• feel angry that this has happened, or because they think the hospital and doctors aren’t curing you fast enough
• not understand that you get tired or cross and are not the same with them as usual
• feel awkward and embarrassed with you
• think they are somehow to blame for you getting cancer
• feel guilty for feeling these things!

If they’re younger than you, they will sometimes have to be looked after by a mixture of friends, neighbours or relatives while your parents are with you at the hospital. This can stress them out and make them more clingy and demanding than usual. 

Extra information

You can download a factsheet with more information about dealing with parents, brothers and sisters from the boxes below.

There are also a number of leaflets available that your family members may find useful. They can be ordered online from the CLIC Sargent Helpline, so suggest they log on to http://www.clicsargent.org.uk/Publicationsresources and order what they need.