Philip's Joke Book

Philip was diagnosed with a brain tumour in December 2007 and despite undergoing traumatic and painful treatments Philip always had a smile on his face and kept hospital staff and patients in fits of giggles with his jokes. Now Philip’s parents want their son's cheerful sense of humour to be remembered.

So Sally and Bill Ireland are encouraging other children to get sponsored to tell a joke and raise money for CLIC Sargent, the charity that helped Philip through his challenging journey.  

• How do mountains hear?
  With mountaineers
  
• What do you call a spy in a washing-up bottle?
  Bubble 07
  
• How can you tell if a bucket is not well?
  When it is a little pale (pail)
  
• What do you call a Yeti in a phone box?
  Stuck
  
• When is cricket a crime?
  When it’s hit and run
  
• Why did the farmer call his horse Blacksmith?
  It kept making a bolt for the door
  
• What is the best day for a BBQ?
  Fry-day
  
• What does the Queen do when she burps?
  Issues a Royal Pardon
  
• What vegetable is dangerous on board a ship?
  A leek
  
• Why was the belt sent to jail?
  For holding up a pair of trousers
  
• Why are fish so easy to weigh?
  Because they have their own scales
  
• Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep!
  Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop of
  
• Knock, knock,
  Who’s there?
  Alex
  Alex who?
  Alex the questions around here
  
• Knock, knock,
  Who’s there?
  Yule
  Yule who?
  Yule never know
  
• Knock, knock,
  Who’s there?
  Luck
  Luck who?
  Luck through the keyhole and you’ll find out
  
• Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
  The scientists were brainstorming
  
• Why are doctors like boxers?
  They are always jabbing people
  
• What do you call a lemonade expert?
  A Fizzician
  
• Why did the Queen go to the dentist?
  To get her teeth crowned
  
• Why are barbers such good drivers?
  They know all the shortcuts
  
• What do you call a popular perfume?
  A best smeller
  
• Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
  To keep each udder warm
  
• What do you get if you cross an artist with a police officer?
  A brush with the law
  
• What do you use to cut the ocean in half?
  A see saw
  
• My dad’s a light eater, as soon as it’s light, he starts eating
  
• Where do rabbits learn to fly?
  In the Hare force
  
• Why did the apple cry?
  Its peelings were hurt
  
• What’s a dog’s favourite musical?
  The Hound of Music
  
• How do you use an Ancient Egyptian doorbell?
  Toot and come in
  
• Why do the French eat snails?
  They don’t like fast food